Double 21 or 2 Score and 2 Years

Well, whomever thought up the addage, “time flies by,” was not joking.  Yesterday I celebrated my 42nd birthday with my closest family and friends.  Looking around I was reminded of just how blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love by truly amazing people.

I have a habit of using a birthday or specific holidays as a time to self-reflect and sometimes, doing it to the point where it consumes my entire thought process and is exhausting.  Sitting around with my family and friends yesterday as well as some events that took place over the past week that left me in this self-reflective, melancholy but grateful mood.  Yes, I know right, it’s confusing?  

My birthdays have never really been the same since March 14, 2007.  My closest and dearest friend was killed in an automoblie accident, an event that would forever change my life.  I try not to associate the accident with my birthdate but even after all these years I find it difficult to do.

Most of the day was pretty funky and I think it was a combination of turning 42 (yikes), lost in thought and self-reflection, eventually snapping out of it when I was reminded of all that is good and love in my life.  This year was the first time in 4 years where it felt like “my special day” and was humbled by the expressions of love and care by those closest to me.

Saving the best for last, all the gifts I received yesterday were great but there is one that will always stand out, an expression of love and two souls united, as is and was meant to be and together a brighter light shines forever.  

Yes, Happy Birthday to Me and  Yes, I love you too.


Los Lonely Boys

Fear Yourself


I spent some time with a friend today and our conversations  went from one topic to the next.  Completely random conversations, not on any one particular topic, except one, being alone.  I am surprised, when this conversation comes up among my friends, nearly all of them do not like being and are scared of being alone.  Am I the only one that finds this absolutely insane?  My friends, are by no means insane, it’s just that fear of being alone I just have a hard time wrapping my head around.  Sure, there are times where fear is understandable, almost necessary, but to fear loneliness is fearing yourself.  

I have this belief that no one is ever really alone.  Sure, there are times where we FEEL lonely and perhaps those that fear loneliness are merely fearing the feeling of being lonely?  I never fear being alone, like most writers I do enjoy my solitude and keep a healthy balance between being an introvert and extrovert.  

When I explained my theory on being scared when alone, he flipped a gasket, which revealed to me that I hit a bit too close to home, here is my thing.
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I don’t think it is possible to go through life with the fear of being alone and question why that relationship failed, it is symbolic of FEELINGS and what we fear is not being alone, we are running from the FEELING not the fear.  It is when we are alone, we think, we ponder and we theorize.  To fear being alone, denying even the company of yourself, uncomfortable because you don’t know what to do when you are alone makes it absolutely impossible to know your inner-happiness and without knowing what makes YOU happy, makes it nearly impossible to recognize what makes others happy.

Los Lonely Boys… I just think we gay people like the drama and attention. OY VAY.

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2012 to be continued . . .

Anahata chakra symbolizes the consciousness of...

Anahata chakra symbolizes the consciousness of love, empathy, selflessness and devotion.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like most everyone I always look forward to the New Year.  It is a time where we can wipe the proverbial slate clean and have another 365 days to get life right.  Facing new challenges that test our fortitude, embracing change or rejecting change based on new fears or ones of the old, choosing inevitably whether we will be the directors, dictating how this next chapter begins and ends or will we  just be the actor, taking direction of our life from someone or something that will, in the end be nothing but a production of our life based on their own self-interest or gain. giving up on our creative control despite our creative differences.

This year was supposed to have been much different than last.  A year where my life seen major changes and tested my strength like no other.  It left me exhausted and hopeless, giving up the production of my life for 365 days, becoming a mere actor in the production of my life, losing myself and what and who I was seemed like a life learning lesson and one that once I came to understand what was happening, learn from it and correct it I would never have to face that test again, as this year as proven so far I still have much to learn.

It seems like my altruistic ways leave me vulnerable and that doing for myself and doing for me is selfish and unattractive.  Why when others do for themselves their motives and/or reasoning for doing  is never questioned but when doing for myself it becomes a selfish act, inconsiderate of other. Why do some of us have to go through with life having to deal with a different set of standards and expectations?

I believe there are some I have allowed into my life who appreciate and respect my unselfish acts.  There are some who have come to expect my altruistic ways, taking advantage of my generosity and it is only when I step back do I take notice of what I have allowed to happen.  The circle of friends I keep, the ones I can depend on in a moment’s notice have always admired my inner strength and remind me of the personal challenges I have been able to overcome but why do I not see what they see?  I’m I blinded by my own humility?  Are we supposed to recognize the strength that others see in us?  Is it possible that someone can be too altruistic? Where some consider that a strength others see as a weakness.

Have I become a bystander in the production of my life?  How can I be giving and unselfish to some and self-centered and ego-maniacal to others? Have I become to naive to human nature that I am unable to recognize emotional manipulation?   When your empathy and altruistic nature is used against you for their own personal gain or self-satisfaction, am I at fault?  

I do not want to be someone who goes through the rest of my life jaded and I won’t if I become the producer of my own life.  I need to surround myself with those who embrace all the good in me, recognize that we all have flaws and take the good with the bad.  I am no means a perfect person but never will I manipulate emotionally for my own personal gain.  Allowing someone to manipulate a positive trait and turning it into something ugly but advantageous for them shows me my weakness, 

Perhaps it’s a lesson that I have yet to learn and why 2012 should have ended with, To be continued and not Happy New Year.

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You Don’t Say?

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 Pay off your credit cards every month.
 You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
 Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
  It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
  It’s okay to let your children see you cry.
  Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
  Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
  Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
  You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
  A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
  It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
  Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
 The most important sex organ is the brain.
  No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
 Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
 Always choose life.
  Forgive everyone everything.
  What other people think of you is none of your business.
  Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
 Believe in miracles.
  God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
  Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
  Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
  Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
 Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
 Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
  Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  The best is yet to come.
  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
  Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Time for Wordpower

 The most selfish 1 letter word — I — AVOID IT.

The most satisfying 2 letter word– WE — USE IT.

The most poisonous 3 letter word — EGO — KILL IT.

The most used 4 letter word — LOVE — VALUE IT.

The most pleasing 5 letter word — SMILE — KEEP IT.

The fastest spreading 6 letter word – – RUMOUR – – IGNORE IT.

The hardest working 7 letter word — SUCCESS – – ACHIEVE IT.

The most enviable 8 letter word – – JEALOUSY – – DISTANCE IT.

The most powerful 9 letter word – – KNOWLEDGE – – ACQUIRE IT.

The most essential 10 letter word – – CONFIDENCE – – TRUST IT.

Old habits die Slow

At some point in our lives we find ourselves struggling to let go, clinging to old habits or resentments making our progress forward difficult or seemingly impossible. We summon our stubborn pride when faced with an impasse in life, thrashing about hopelessly, fighting our defects. We recall the feelings of shame over past binges and the heartbreak over a failed relationship, living for a “me” instead of a “we” perspective, old habits die slow.

Change is frightening, the past may have been miserable but it was familiar. The necessity TO change, we fall back and our instinct is to fight. Intense feelings offered by the memories that haunt us and consumed by old habits and negative thought patterns, old habits die slow. The thought patterns that consume us suffocates our hopes, buries our dreams and prevents living from a “me” perspective.

We don’t have to fight anymore, if we pause in the midst of our struggles we can give ourselves time to let a new realization sink in, we have another choice, surrender. We can stop manipulating situations, surrender control and trust events will unfold on their own. Surrendering our control is an act of trust and a step towards self-acceptance and through acceptance we can find our serenity.

Surrender is not giving up, it is exchanging “we” for “me” and letting go. Letting go of old habits and negative thoughts we no longer feel alone, stronger than ever and share with others our personal experiences with the challenges of change, listening to others and not dismissing their ideas or their stories. Gaining a connection with others will help build a spiritual foundation that will sustain us in troubled times.

Times of pain are always opportunities to for growth. We don’t need to solve all our problems in a day and we don’t need to do it by ourselves. There are times were it may be easy to slip into those old ways of thinking, looking for impulsive, desperate or easy solutions but we need to remember our options our different. We may feel afraid when we are confronted with a problem but by cultivating a positive attitude based on faith and hope we can now put in perspective.

We are humans and personal growth is part of our experience and with all the freedom which it brings never be scared to take that leap of faith, never stop loving you and remember change is necessary in life and necessary change is good because in order to move forward we need to let go.


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Life Learning 101

I love motivational quotes, points to ponder, interesting facts and random trivia.  My friends bombard me with links, memes and videos almost daily.  I came across this one I posted on my Facebook a couple of years ago and feel compelled to share and feel free to reblog.  

I’ve Learned…

  • That we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
  • Something you do in an instant can give you heartache for life
  • You should always leave loved ones with words of love, it may be the last time you see them.
  • We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
  • You control your attitude or it controls you.
  • My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and still have a great time.
  • Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones who helps you get up.
  • Sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be but doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
  • Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them too doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
  • Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you have had and what you learned from them and less to do with how many years you have lived.
  • It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others but sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
  • Just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other and just because they don’t argue it doesn’t mean they do love each other.
  • You shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret, it may change your life forever.
  • Sometimes the people that you love most in life are taken from you way too soon.
  • You can’t make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to them.
  • No matter how much you care some people just don’t care back.
  • It takes years to build up trust and just seconds to destroy it.
  • It’s not what you have in life that counts but who you have.
  • You can keep going, long after you think you can’t
  • There are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.
  • Even when you feel you have no more to give a friend cries out and you find the strength to help.
  • That our background and circumstances may have influenced our lives but we are responsible for who we become.

Well, there you have it.. What do you guys think?  I think that life is meant to be simple but our choices and influences and lots of other things we make it much more difficult than it should be.  

What do you think?

Gay My Way

Dykes on Bikes motorcycle group in a pride par...

Dykes on Bikes motorcycle group in a pride parade is considered a stereotype of butch lesbians. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being gay in America does not define you, nor is it a social demotion.  I did not make the rules, but I know how to play the game.  I am not, refuse to be, like to hang around or be compared to the gay stereotype.  It is ugly, socially unacceptable, not respected and over dramatic.

I have made it an issue to be different and to gain respect for who I am.  I have also made it an issue to fight the stereotype so I stay away from the “community” as much as I can, but that  has ironically worked against me.

I will not and do not hide the fact that I am gay.  I will continue to be different, fight the stereotype and will be the first person to stand for equal rights.  It is a long way from where it could be or should be.

It’s time that we stop perpetuating stereotypes.  How are we going to gain the respect of society and argue for equal rights when our pride celebrations include gratuitous nudity, simulated sex acts and Dikes on Bikes being recognized as parade participants.

There is nothing wrong with expressing ourselves but it goes much further when that expression comes with some respect.

Respect ourselves; Express ourselves; accept ourselves.

My sexuality does not define me. I do.

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The First 10

Time, the whole concept is a dichotomy in life.  I mean, where is it when you want more of it and why won’t it slow down when it goes too fast?  I suppose time is symbolic of life in general and perhaps we should just embrace it and quit looking for more of it or hoping that it slows down.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay without wanting to find more of it but there are times where I will definitely wishing or wanting it to slow down because I don’t like when things are moving too fast, like the first 10 days.

This past year seemed to fly right on by.  I did see lots of personal changes last year which can explain why it seemed to zip on by.  After all, in one year I sold all my possessions, said my goodbyes to all my friends and family and gave up all that I knew and comfortable with and moved to Tennessee and then later to Virginia, doing this all for a relationship that became an absolute disaster which found me moving back to California with all this taking place in a span of 365 days.  It is no wonder and should come as no surprise to me that time and life seemed to fly right by.

Hmm… then I had an epiphany.  Is time relative to how fast WE are moving through life?  The old clique, time goes by slow when you are having fun makes a bit more sense if we put it in perspective.  Well, I am still waiting for the answer to that question because if the first 10 days of this new year stands in as a benchmark with time being relative to how fast we move through life,  let’s just say I am in for another long year that will fly right on by.  Make sense?  It will if you look at the dichotomy of time relative the dichotomy in life.

Exactly the reason why life  in general is never easy to explain and even more so to understand which is why after these first 10 days I decided to quit thinking about life and time and start living life.  There is nothing wrong with trying to understand life but becomes a problem if you stop living life to understand life.

Time to start living and embrace all that life will bring and quit wasting my time on wondering WHY.