Double 21 or 2 Score and 2 Years

Well, whomever thought up the addage, “time flies by,” was not joking.  Yesterday I celebrated my 42nd birthday with my closest family and friends.  Looking around I was reminded of just how blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love by truly amazing people.

I have a habit of using a birthday or specific holidays as a time to self-reflect and sometimes, doing it to the point where it consumes my entire thought process and is exhausting.  Sitting around with my family and friends yesterday as well as some events that took place over the past week that left me in this self-reflective, melancholy but grateful mood.  Yes, I know right, it’s confusing?  

My birthdays have never really been the same since March 14, 2007.  My closest and dearest friend was killed in an automoblie accident, an event that would forever change my life.  I try not to associate the accident with my birthdate but even after all these years I find it difficult to do.

Most of the day was pretty funky and I think it was a combination of turning 42 (yikes), lost in thought and self-reflection, eventually snapping out of it when I was reminded of all that is good and love in my life.  This year was the first time in 4 years where it felt like “my special day” and was humbled by the expressions of love and care by those closest to me.

Saving the best for last, all the gifts I received yesterday were great but there is one that will always stand out, an expression of love and two souls united, as is and was meant to be and together a brighter light shines forever.  

Yes, Happy Birthday to Me and  Yes, I love you too.


Scared of Love- Part 1

Boy, life sure is interesting.  Just when you think you have it all figured out you get thrown a curveball and all that you thought couldn’t happen does and at much faster than even you could have even predicted.  Well, for starters these past few weeks have been a personal challenge.  The situations I found myself in dealt a great deal with matters that come from the heart.  I have always considered myself a strong person who takes great pride in his integrity and always was careful to not be hypocritical.  All of this was tested these past few weeks and before I knew it everything that I stood for on a personal level was gone.  Funny how love works.

I suppose I should rewind a bit and give a condensed version of events that unfolded over the past few weeks and how the final outcome is not yet resolved.  

Nearly a year ago I was lucky enough to meet an incredible individual who really understood the core of who I was and encouraged me to share my writings and my thoughts with others. My writings,  he found to be inspiring and thought provoking and changed the way he perceived others and their actions.  It was shortly after taking his advice and sharing that I found work as a freelance writer and am happy with the direction I am going.

When I met Fernando, he was in the middle of a transition period himself, just ending a relationship and moving back to the city he was raised in, he felt a bit awkward and out of sorts with himself.  It is during this period of time that we began to grow a bit closer each day, coming to understand one another and at some point it became a emotionally intense relationship, scaring us both.

I knew what was happening but didn’t really push too much, perhaps thinking it was going to pass, never really pressing the issue with Fernando as he never really pushed the issue either.  It became much more apparent, as we spent time together, a few days here and a few days there that the closer we became the more resistant I found Fernando.  He would find fault with just about anything and really nothing that made sense and  would result in an argument and him leaving.  This happened the last few times we were together and over Christmas it reached its breaking point.

It would be a week later, shortly after New Years that I would hear back from him again.  We never really spoke about what had happened during our last visit together but  I know it was in back of our minds, each having a different reason for why it happened.  Our next visit was positive, went well and we continued like we never lost contact but little did I know this would be the last contact I would have with Fernando until Valentine’s Day, six weeks later.

It was during the six weeks that I ran into someone who I had not seen in a few years, a time where we found an attraction but bad timing for the both of us made it impossible to explore with one another.  It has been about two weeks at this point and I still have yet to hear from Fernando, not a peep and the longer it went that I heard nothing I believed that he had moved on and I should as well.  

It never fails… when it rains it pours and the way this was headed a flash flood was just around the corner….


To be Continued….


Real Eyes, Realize

There comes a time in our lives where we find out that life isn’t about trying to figure out.  Trying to have all the answers to life’s daily questions, we forget to live.  We are so wrapped up in the details of life that we forget that life’s detail is to live. Having been loved or to love is to live as life is meant to be, which may explain why many of us hold on to that unhealthy relationship, running in place, while our thoughts scatter and our hearts race always anticipating what we recognize as healthy only because it is familiar and a human’s need to be loved can supersede what real eyes, realize.

The heart feels, the eyes see.  Blinded by love, what is it that sees.  The heart sees and feels. it is the love that binds us that can blind us.  We are told to trust in our hearts for this reason, despite the scars of our past hurts or the heartache and pain that comes from a lost love, our heart is our pump of life able to sustain us at its mos+ damaged, heartbroken and lovesick because blind in love, we see with our hearts if we just remember that real eyes, realize.

A hearts desire ignites the hearts fire.  Its the eyes, giving us a peek into life’s soul, leaving us wondering and wandering.  A heart is our compass, always pointing in the direction we need to go, eyes focused on our final destination.  Life’s journey, with its blast of color shades and monochrome shadows have us question our vision.  A heart that beats is a heart that lives, a living heart, broken or bent provides us what we need, realize real eyes.

One heart, one mate and when two souls unite in a lover’s kiss a brighter light shines forever.  Light for sight, fire for desire, through our lighted sight and our fired desire, we look within and we begin to realize, with real eyes. 


Los Lonely Boys

Fear Yourself


I spent some time with a friend today and our conversations  went from one topic to the next.  Completely random conversations, not on any one particular topic, except one, being alone.  I am surprised, when this conversation comes up among my friends, nearly all of them do not like being and are scared of being alone.  Am I the only one that finds this absolutely insane?  My friends, are by no means insane, it’s just that fear of being alone I just have a hard time wrapping my head around.  Sure, there are times where fear is understandable, almost necessary, but to fear loneliness is fearing yourself.  

I have this belief that no one is ever really alone.  Sure, there are times where we FEEL lonely and perhaps those that fear loneliness are merely fearing the feeling of being lonely?  I never fear being alone, like most writers I do enjoy my solitude and keep a healthy balance between being an introvert and extrovert.  

When I explained my theory on being scared when alone, he flipped a gasket, which revealed to me that I hit a bit too close to home, here is my thing.
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-44049463-2’, ‘’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);


I don’t think it is possible to go through life with the fear of being alone and question why that relationship failed, it is symbolic of FEELINGS and what we fear is not being alone, we are running from the FEELING not the fear.  It is when we are alone, we think, we ponder and we theorize.  To fear being alone, denying even the company of yourself, uncomfortable because you don’t know what to do when you are alone makes it absolutely impossible to know your inner-happiness and without knowing what makes YOU happy, makes it nearly impossible to recognize what makes others happy.

Los Lonely Boys… I just think we gay people like the drama and attention. OY VAY.

Enhanced by Zemanta