Double 21 or 2 Score and 2 Years

Well, whomever thought up the addage, “time flies by,” was not joking.  Yesterday I celebrated my 42nd birthday with my closest family and friends.  Looking around I was reminded of just how blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love by truly amazing people.

I have a habit of using a birthday or specific holidays as a time to self-reflect and sometimes, doing it to the point where it consumes my entire thought process and is exhausting.  Sitting around with my family and friends yesterday as well as some events that took place over the past week that left me in this self-reflective, melancholy but grateful mood.  Yes, I know right, it’s confusing?  

My birthdays have never really been the same since March 14, 2007.  My closest and dearest friend was killed in an automoblie accident, an event that would forever change my life.  I try not to associate the accident with my birthdate but even after all these years I find it difficult to do.

Most of the day was pretty funky and I think it was a combination of turning 42 (yikes), lost in thought and self-reflection, eventually snapping out of it when I was reminded of all that is good and love in my life.  This year was the first time in 4 years where it felt like “my special day” and was humbled by the expressions of love and care by those closest to me.

Saving the best for last, all the gifts I received yesterday were great but there is one that will always stand out, an expression of love and two souls united, as is and was meant to be and together a brighter light shines forever.  

Yes, Happy Birthday to Me and  Yes, I love you too.

Los Lonely Boys

TO FEAR LONELINESS IS TO FEAR YOU.

I spent some time with a friend today and our conversations  went from one topic to the next.  Completely random conversations, not on any one particular topic, except one, being alone.  I am surprised, when this conversation comes up among my friends, nearly all of them do not like being and are scared of being alone.  Am I the only one that finds this absolutely insane?  My friends, are by no means insane, it’s just that fear of being alone I just have a hard time wrapping my head around.  Sure, there are times where fear is understandable, almost necessary, but to fear loneliness is fearing yourself.  

I have this belief that no one is ever really alone.  Sure, there are times where we FEEL lonely and perhaps those that fear loneliness are merely fearing the feeling of being lonely?  I never fear being alone, like most writers I do enjoy my solitude and keep a healthy balance between being an introvert and extrovert.  

When I explained my theory on being scared when alone, he flipped a gasket, which revealed to me that I hit a bit too close to home, here is my thing.
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I don’t think it is possible to go through life with the fear of being alone and question why that relationship failed, it is symbolic of FEELINGS and what we fear is not being alone, we are running from the FEELING not the fear.  It is when we are alone, we think, we ponder and we theorize.  To fear being alone, denying even the company of yourself, uncomfortable because you don’t know what to do when you are alone makes it absolutely impossible to know your inner-happiness and without knowing what makes YOU happy, makes it nearly impossible to recognize what makes others happy.

Los Lonely Boys… I just think we gay people like the drama and attention. OY VAY.