Double 21 or 2 Score and 2 Years

Well, whomever thought up the addage, “time flies by,” was not joking.  Yesterday I celebrated my 42nd birthday with my closest family and friends.  Looking around I was reminded of just how blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love by truly amazing people.

I have a habit of using a birthday or specific holidays as a time to self-reflect and sometimes, doing it to the point where it consumes my entire thought process and is exhausting.  Sitting around with my family and friends yesterday as well as some events that took place over the past week that left me in this self-reflective, melancholy but grateful mood.  Yes, I know right, it’s confusing?  

My birthdays have never really been the same since March 14, 2007.  My closest and dearest friend was killed in an automoblie accident, an event that would forever change my life.  I try not to associate the accident with my birthdate but even after all these years I find it difficult to do.

Most of the day was pretty funky and I think it was a combination of turning 42 (yikes), lost in thought and self-reflection, eventually snapping out of it when I was reminded of all that is good and love in my life.  This year was the first time in 4 years where it felt like “my special day” and was humbled by the expressions of love and care by those closest to me.

Saving the best for last, all the gifts I received yesterday were great but there is one that will always stand out, an expression of love and two souls united, as is and was meant to be and together a brighter light shines forever.  

Yes, Happy Birthday to Me and  Yes, I love you too.

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Scared of Love- Part 1

Boy, life sure is interesting.  Just when you think you have it all figured out you get thrown a curveball and all that you thought couldn’t happen does and at much faster than even you could have even predicted.  Well, for starters these past few weeks have been a personal challenge.  The situations I found myself in dealt a great deal with matters that come from the heart.  I have always considered myself a strong person who takes great pride in his integrity and always was careful to not be hypocritical.  All of this was tested these past few weeks and before I knew it everything that I stood for on a personal level was gone.  Funny how love works.

I suppose I should rewind a bit and give a condensed version of events that unfolded over the past few weeks and how the final outcome is not yet resolved.  

Nearly a year ago I was lucky enough to meet an incredible individual who really understood the core of who I was and encouraged me to share my writings and my thoughts with others. My writings,  he found to be inspiring and thought provoking and changed the way he perceived others and their actions.  It was shortly after taking his advice and sharing that I found work as a freelance writer and am happy with the direction I am going.

When I met Fernando, he was in the middle of a transition period himself, just ending a relationship and moving back to the city he was raised in, he felt a bit awkward and out of sorts with himself.  It is during this period of time that we began to grow a bit closer each day, coming to understand one another and at some point it became a emotionally intense relationship, scaring us both.

I knew what was happening but didn’t really push too much, perhaps thinking it was going to pass, never really pressing the issue with Fernando as he never really pushed the issue either.  It became much more apparent, as we spent time together, a few days here and a few days there that the closer we became the more resistant I found Fernando.  He would find fault with just about anything and really nothing that made sense and  would result in an argument and him leaving.  This happened the last few times we were together and over Christmas it reached its breaking point.

It would be a week later, shortly after New Years that I would hear back from him again.  We never really spoke about what had happened during our last visit together but  I know it was in back of our minds, each having a different reason for why it happened.  Our next visit was positive, went well and we continued like we never lost contact but little did I know this would be the last contact I would have with Fernando until Valentine’s Day, six weeks later.

It was during the six weeks that I ran into someone who I had not seen in a few years, a time where we found an attraction but bad timing for the both of us made it impossible to explore with one another.  It has been about two weeks at this point and I still have yet to hear from Fernando, not a peep and the longer it went that I heard nothing I believed that he had moved on and I should as well.  

It never fails… when it rains it pours and the way this was headed a flash flood was just around the corner….

 

To be Continued….

 

Real Eyes, Realize

There comes a time in our lives where we find out that life isn’t about trying to figure out.  Trying to have all the answers to life’s daily questions, we forget to live.  We are so wrapped up in the details of life that we forget that life’s detail is to live. Having been loved or to love is to live as life is meant to be, which may explain why many of us hold on to that unhealthy relationship, running in place, while our thoughts scatter and our hearts race always anticipating what we recognize as healthy only because it is familiar and a human’s need to be loved can supersede what real eyes, realize.

The heart feels, the eyes see.  Blinded by love, what is it that sees.  The heart sees and feels. it is the love that binds us that can blind us.  We are told to trust in our hearts for this reason, despite the scars of our past hurts or the heartache and pain that comes from a lost love, our heart is our pump of life able to sustain us at its mos+ damaged, heartbroken and lovesick because blind in love, we see with our hearts if we just remember that real eyes, realize.

A hearts desire ignites the hearts fire.  Its the eyes, giving us a peek into life’s soul, leaving us wondering and wandering.  A heart is our compass, always pointing in the direction we need to go, eyes focused on our final destination.  Life’s journey, with its blast of color shades and monochrome shadows have us question our vision.  A heart that beats is a heart that lives, a living heart, broken or bent provides us what we need, realize real eyes.

One heart, one mate and when two souls unite in a lover’s kiss a brighter light shines forever.  Light for sight, fire for desire, through our lighted sight and our fired desire, we look within and we begin to realize, with real eyes. 

 

2012 to be continued . . .

Anahata chakra symbolizes the consciousness of...

Anahata chakra symbolizes the consciousness of love, empathy, selflessness and devotion.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like most everyone I always look forward to the New Year.  It is a time where we can wipe the proverbial slate clean and have another 365 days to get life right.  Facing new challenges that test our fortitude, embracing change or rejecting change based on new fears or ones of the old, choosing inevitably whether we will be the directors, dictating how this next chapter begins and ends or will we  just be the actor, taking direction of our life from someone or something that will, in the end be nothing but a production of our life based on their own self-interest or gain. giving up on our creative control despite our creative differences.

This year was supposed to have been much different than last.  A year where my life seen major changes and tested my strength like no other.  It left me exhausted and hopeless, giving up the production of my life for 365 days, becoming a mere actor in the production of my life, losing myself and what and who I was seemed like a life learning lesson and one that once I came to understand what was happening, learn from it and correct it I would never have to face that test again, as this year as proven so far I still have much to learn.

It seems like my altruistic ways leave me vulnerable and that doing for myself and doing for me is selfish and unattractive.  Why when others do for themselves their motives and/or reasoning for doing  is never questioned but when doing for myself it becomes a selfish act, inconsiderate of other. Why do some of us have to go through with life having to deal with a different set of standards and expectations?

I believe there are some I have allowed into my life who appreciate and respect my unselfish acts.  There are some who have come to expect my altruistic ways, taking advantage of my generosity and it is only when I step back do I take notice of what I have allowed to happen.  The circle of friends I keep, the ones I can depend on in a moment’s notice have always admired my inner strength and remind me of the personal challenges I have been able to overcome but why do I not see what they see?  I’m I blinded by my own humility?  Are we supposed to recognize the strength that others see in us?  Is it possible that someone can be too altruistic? Where some consider that a strength others see as a weakness.

Have I become a bystander in the production of my life?  How can I be giving and unselfish to some and self-centered and ego-maniacal to others? Have I become to naive to human nature that I am unable to recognize emotional manipulation?   When your empathy and altruistic nature is used against you for their own personal gain or self-satisfaction, am I at fault?  

I do not want to be someone who goes through the rest of my life jaded and I won’t if I become the producer of my own life.  I need to surround myself with those who embrace all the good in me, recognize that we all have flaws and take the good with the bad.  I am no means a perfect person but never will I manipulate emotionally for my own personal gain.  Allowing someone to manipulate a positive trait and turning it into something ugly but advantageous for them shows me my weakness, 

Perhaps it’s a lesson that I have yet to learn and why 2012 should have ended with, To be continued and not Happy New Year.

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Warning: List Of Sarcastic Sayings and Quotable Quotes

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

7. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

27. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them

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Quotation Marks

You Don’t Say?

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 Pay off your credit cards every month.
 You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
 Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
  It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
  It’s okay to let your children see you cry.
  Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
  Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
  Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
  You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
  A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
  It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
  Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
 The most important sex organ is the brain.
  No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
 Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
 Always choose life.
  Forgive everyone everything.
  What other people think of you is none of your business.
  Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
 Believe in miracles.
  God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
  Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
  Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
  Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
 Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
 Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
  Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  The best is yet to come.
  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
  Yield.
  Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Aside

Don’t………

 

Wait for time. Make it.

Wait for love. Feel it.

Wait for money. Earn it.

Wait for the path. Find it.

Wait for the Opportunity. Create it.

Don’t go for less. Get the best.

Compare. Be Unique.

Fight your misfortune. Transform it.

Avoid failure. Use it.

Dwell on a mistake. Learn from it.

Back down. Go around.

Close your eyes. Open your mind.

Run from life. Embrace it. 

Time for Wordpower

 The most selfish 1 letter word — I — AVOID IT.

The most satisfying 2 letter word– WE — USE IT.

The most poisonous 3 letter word — EGO — KILL IT.

The most used 4 letter word — LOVE — VALUE IT.

The most pleasing 5 letter word — SMILE — KEEP IT.

The fastest spreading 6 letter word – – RUMOUR – – IGNORE IT.

The hardest working 7 letter word — SUCCESS – – ACHIEVE IT.

The most enviable 8 letter word – – JEALOUSY – – DISTANCE IT.

The most powerful 9 letter word – – KNOWLEDGE – – ACQUIRE IT.

The most essential 10 letter word – – CONFIDENCE – – TRUST IT.