Like most everyone I always look forward to the New Year. It is a time where we can wipe the proverbial slate clean and have another 365 days to get life right. Facing new challenges that test our fortitude, embracing change or rejecting change based on new fears or ones of the old, choosing inevitably whether we will be the directors, dictating how this next chapter begins and ends or will we just be the actor, taking direction of our life from someone or something that will, in the end be nothing but a production of our life based on their own self-interest or gain. giving up on our creative control despite our creative differences.
This year was supposed to have been much different than last. A year where my life seen major changes and tested my strength like no other. It left me exhausted and hopeless, giving up the production of my life for 365 days, becoming a mere actor in the production of my life, losing myself and what and who I was seemed like a life learning lesson and one that once I came to understand what was happening, learn from it and correct it I would never have to face that test again, as this year as proven so far I still have much to learn.
It seems like my altruistic ways leave me vulnerable and that doing for myself and doing for me is selfish and unattractive. Why when others do for themselves their motives and/or reasoning for doing is never questioned but when doing for myself it becomes a selfish act, inconsiderate of other. Why do some of us have to go through with life having to deal with a different set of standards and expectations?
I believe there are some I have allowed into my life who appreciate and respect my unselfish acts. There are some who have come to expect my altruistic ways, taking advantage of my generosity and it is only when I step back do I take notice of what I have allowed to happen. The circle of friends I keep, the ones I can depend on in a moment’s notice have always admired my inner strength and remind me of the personal challenges I have been able to overcome but why do I not see what they see? I’m I blinded by my own humility? Are we supposed to recognize the strength that others see in us? Is it possible that someone can be too altruistic? Where some consider that a strength others see as a weakness.
Have I become a bystander in the production of my life? How can I be giving and unselfish to some and self-centered and ego-maniacal to others? Have I become to naive to human nature that I am unable to recognize emotional manipulation? When your empathy and altruistic nature is used against you for their own personal gain or self-satisfaction, am I at fault?
I do not want to be someone who goes through the rest of my life jaded and I won’t if I become the producer of my own life. I need to surround myself with those who embrace all the good in me, recognize that we all have flaws and take the good with the bad. I am no means a perfect person but never will I manipulate emotionally for my own personal gain. Allowing someone to manipulate a positive trait and turning it into something ugly but advantageous for them shows me my weakness,
Perhaps it’s a lesson that I have yet to learn and why 2012 should have ended with, To be continued and not Happy New Year.