Warning: List Of Sarcastic Sayings and Quotable Quotes

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

7. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

27. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them

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Quotation Marks

You Don’t Say?

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 Pay off your credit cards every month.
 You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
 Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
  It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
  It’s okay to let your children see you cry.
  Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
  Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
  Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
  You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
  A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
  It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
  Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
 The most important sex organ is the brain.
  No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
 Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
 Always choose life.
  Forgive everyone everything.
  What other people think of you is none of your business.
  Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
 Believe in miracles.
  God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
  Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
  Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
  Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
 Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
 Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
 If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
  Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  The best is yet to come.
  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
  Yield.
  Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Absolute Information. Chapter 1

Ducks quacks don’t echo and no one knows why.

We shed 4o pounds of skin in a lifetime.

Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different

On average, a person who is right-handed will live about 9 years longer.

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper every day.

In Singapore it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum.

Dreamt is the only English word that ends with the letters “mt” .

A jiffy is an actual unit of time and is 1/100th of a second.

Coca-Cola would be green if coloring wasn’t added to it.

Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he didn’t wear pants.

The longest word in the English language is PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS

111,111,111 X 111,111,111= 12,345,678,987,654,321

The manufacturing and historical documentation for the  Jumbo Jet weight nearly as much.

Charged electrodes inserted through a pickle will cause it to glow

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny hated carrots

Most toilets flush in E-flat.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time of the King James version of the Bible.  In Psalm 46  the 46th word from the first is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly

In the average lifetime a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

The longest one syllable word is “screeched”

Frowning burns more calories than smiling.

1/4 of the bones in our body are found in our feet.

The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in their lifetime.

The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

A ball of glass will bounce higher  than a ball of rubber.

Children grow faster in the spring.

On average, we will spend 2 weeks kissing in our lifetime.

Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

A sneeze can travel at over 100 miles per hour.

A “dude” is an infected hair on an elephants butt.

The average person has 6 pounds of skin.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

On average, a 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Red is the most commonly colored vehicle in auto accidents.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients found in dynamite.

Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump”

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes.

Aside

Don’t………

 

Wait for time. Make it.

Wait for love. Feel it.

Wait for money. Earn it.

Wait for the path. Find it.

Wait for the Opportunity. Create it.

Don’t go for less. Get the best.

Compare. Be Unique.

Fight your misfortune. Transform it.

Avoid failure. Use it.

Dwell on a mistake. Learn from it.

Back down. Go around.

Close your eyes. Open your mind.

Run from life. Embrace it. 

Time for Wordpower

 The most selfish 1 letter word — I — AVOID IT.

The most satisfying 2 letter word– WE — USE IT.

The most poisonous 3 letter word — EGO — KILL IT.

The most used 4 letter word — LOVE — VALUE IT.

The most pleasing 5 letter word — SMILE — KEEP IT.

The fastest spreading 6 letter word – – RUMOUR – – IGNORE IT.

The hardest working 7 letter word — SUCCESS – – ACHIEVE IT.

The most enviable 8 letter word – – JEALOUSY – – DISTANCE IT.

The most powerful 9 letter word – – KNOWLEDGE – – ACQUIRE IT.

The most essential 10 letter word – – CONFIDENCE – – TRUST IT.

A Village of 100

If we could shrink the WORLDS’s  population to a village of exactly 100 people with all the ratios remaining the same there would be

 

57 Asians

21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death

1 would be near birth

1 would have a college education

1 would own a computer

 

America, the Ironic

This is a fun list and if you can think of any feel free post them in your comments.

  • Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

  • Only in America will you find handicap parking in front of a skating rink

  • Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store to get their prescriptions and cigarettes are at the front

  • Only in America do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a diet coke.

  • Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain pens to the counters.

  • Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in our garage.

  • Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call.

  • Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

  • Only in America do we use the word politics to describe the process so well.  Poli in Latin mean “many” and tics mean “bloodsucking creatures.”

  • Only in America do they have drive up ATM machines with Braille.

 

Old habits die Slow

At some point in our lives we find ourselves struggling to let go, clinging to old habits or resentments making our progress forward difficult or seemingly impossible. We summon our stubborn pride when faced with an impasse in life, thrashing about hopelessly, fighting our defects. We recall the feelings of shame over past binges and the heartbreak over a failed relationship, living for a “me” instead of a “we” perspective, old habits die slow.

Change is frightening, the past may have been miserable but it was familiar. The necessity TO change, we fall back and our instinct is to fight. Intense feelings offered by the memories that haunt us and consumed by old habits and negative thought patterns, old habits die slow. The thought patterns that consume us suffocates our hopes, buries our dreams and prevents living from a “me” perspective.

We don’t have to fight anymore, if we pause in the midst of our struggles we can give ourselves time to let a new realization sink in, we have another choice, surrender. We can stop manipulating situations, surrender control and trust events will unfold on their own. Surrendering our control is an act of trust and a step towards self-acceptance and through acceptance we can find our serenity.

Surrender is not giving up, it is exchanging “we” for “me” and letting go. Letting go of old habits and negative thoughts we no longer feel alone, stronger than ever and share with others our personal experiences with the challenges of change, listening to others and not dismissing their ideas or their stories. Gaining a connection with others will help build a spiritual foundation that will sustain us in troubled times.

Times of pain are always opportunities to for growth. We don’t need to solve all our problems in a day and we don’t need to do it by ourselves. There are times were it may be easy to slip into those old ways of thinking, looking for impulsive, desperate or easy solutions but we need to remember our options our different. We may feel afraid when we are confronted with a problem but by cultivating a positive attitude based on faith and hope we can now put in perspective.

We are humans and personal growth is part of our experience and with all the freedom which it brings never be scared to take that leap of faith, never stop loving you and remember change is necessary in life and necessary change is good because in order to move forward we need to let go.

 

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